Vimes's yearly review!
by Hamfast Gamgee
Summary: Well, we all have to do one of these and so does Vimes. It's time for his yearly review. And does he not like that!


Well, we all have to do one of these, don't we? A performance review. Some things just dominate the entire Universe no matter where you are. Even Lord Vetinari, the Patricianof Ankh-Morpork can't stop them. So, Vimes has to endure one as well. And I bet he just loves the questions like, 'Do you consider your work output 1: Unacceptable, 2: Needs improvement, 3: Satisfactory, 4: Good, 5: Excellent!

Commander Vimes was sitting in a Quirm hotel in the sunny morning overlooking Quirms harbour with it's sparkling blue water and bobbing sailing crafts. He was drinking what looked like strong black coffee and glaring at a no-smoking sign. Vimes didn't appear to approve of this! It was nearly time for his yearly review which every employee in the City, 'No matter who!' according to Vetinari the Patricianof Ankh-Morpork had to do. While in theory this was supposed to be a consultative exercise, Vimes held the opinion the reviews where just a bureaucratic waste of time.

Vimes was glaring at a, 'No-smoking, please go outside for one!' looking like he didn't fancy that idea. Neither did he look like he was amused by the Waiter, a small Hobbit in green and brown. making a fuss over him, moving his furry-feet around the table as the Waiter, Timbo, moved around taking things away and adjusting things. The Hobbit moved around to Vimes and said, 'Do you know, it gets a bit dull around here sometimes. So dull that at times even the tide goes out and doesn't come back!'

Vimes didn't cheer up at this attempt at humour. He gave the little Hobbit a little swipe with his hand that bothered the Waiter not at all, actually and sighed. At least he was enjoying his coffee, he liked it strong and black. From absolutely nowhere his boss, Vetinari arrived and tapped him on the shoulder. It seemed that Vetinari himself was taking the weather into account by not wearing his normal black cloak but only a grayish shirt and leather trousers.

Vetinari did look thin. Very thin. To a normal person it might seem that he was ill, but then he had been this shape for around 15 years and it didn't appear to be doing Vetinari any harm. Vetinari tapped at Vimes shoulder and asked, 'Well, we have a few hours before our meeting with the Quirm Major and Chief of Police. I'm sure you will enjoy it. But we're not here for pleasure, remember so in the meantime, how about our review?'

Vimes looked up and nodded and he and Vetinari stepped outside in the balcony over the harbour where Vimes lit up his cigar for a morning smoke. Vimes looked down at the harbour. It certainly was an attractive sight, rather cleaner and sunnier than his own dirty, rainy and often smoky Ankh-Morpork. But then Vimes was on holiday. No, he corrected himself, he wasn't on holiday, he was on a diplomatic fact-finding mission to Quirm a City hundreds of miles from Ankh-Morpork.

Vetinari motioned towards him and Vimes sat down with him seeing the review document in front of him. Curiously, Vetinari was in full view of a lot of Quirm and some leaders of cities might have been worried about been shot by a sniper's arrow or something. But Vetinari, the Patricianof Ankh-Morpork had always arranged matters so that events after his assassination would be much worse than those before.

The Patriciangave a little humourless smile as he read bits of the review. 'Ten years as Commander of the Watch, eh, well, well, who'd have thought it!'

'You know that you patronizing git!' thought Vimes to himself.

Vimes shuffled the paper managing to look down upon Vimes, one of the few people in Ankh-Morpork to do this despite the fact that Vimes wasn't the tallest of men. 'Commander Samual Vimes of Ankh-Morpork city watch. Well, the last year has been good and bad. Let's start of with the good shall we? There has been a number of high-profile successes this year. Good for publicity and must have cost in terms of time and effort so one deserves some congratulation,

'Yes the solving of the Murder of the Copper bell was a tricky one. That seemed a perfect crime, didn't it? Poor Mr Johns been stabbed with no witnesses, no sign of a motive, the murder weapon wiped clean and no clues. Discovering that the murderer was in fact his brother who was presumed dead had befriended him with an alias and had in fact killed him to keep him from finding the lost Diamond of Calcudda. Inspirational stuff, the Times had called it!'

The Times been Ankh-Morpork's newspaper. Vetinari chuckled, 'Whereas you know and I know that in fact this was found due to a good deal of asking around enquiring and walking around the area. Plus a little bit of luck in that you did find someone that recognized the similarity between the two men, so you where able to catch the murderer virtually in the act of seizing the hidden diamond. Plus the solving of the Strangling of Stuart Swingerer, the drowning of Debbie Davies, all good efforts, well done!'

'Yes, thank you Sir, we didn't want the perpetrators to get away with those. Adventurous episodes, however, someone could write a book about them.' Vimes decided to keep this formal, this been a review after all, he might as well play the game. In actual fact, it had been tricky and he himself had been nearly killed once the murderer had produced a knife in front of him before been disarmed. Oh, well, these things happen sometimes in the tricky policework in Ankh-Morpork.

'Certainly!' chuckled the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork. 'Indeed, if one invented some type of device wherby one could make moving pictures of events, play out those stories and beam them into all the citizens homes in a box which we might call TV they might make for good entertainment.' Vimes was a bit confused by this statement. There had been rumours of some kind of TV invented in the Disc but it hadn't lasted long. It had been used for some kind of Dungeon Dimension spell, actually!

'Why on the Disc would someone want to do that?' growled Vimes.

'Oh, something which our mad inventor, Leonard, mentioned to me and I thought interesting!'

'Well, if it happened I doubt if anyone would show anything worth watching sir!' said Vimes the critic.

'Anyway, this is a bit of a diversion, so back to the mind point,' said the Patrician to the disappointment of Vimes. 'Oh, yes, good community work, like the game of football which your Captain Carrot seems to be encouraging, yes, good to keep people occupied in a slightly less dangerous activity than normal life on some of the mean streets of Ankh-Morpork!' Vetinari had said this with slight reservation as in virtually every game, someone had something broken. The Ankh-Morpkian version of football was slightly rougher than others about in the Multiverse!

'Also,' continued the Patrician, 'I have here,' he produced a rather small but significant bundle of papers, 'A list of compliments of your organisation. Well done, useful to have those, especially in cases of publicity.' There was a long pause. Vimes had been to enough of these things, well 11 to be precise, in one accused year he had two reviews as someone in the Cities admin had lost one of his, so he thought to himself,

'Now we get to the bad parts, it always happens this way and the bad parts are always much longer than the good ones!' thought Vimes. What an insightful person, Samual Vimes of the Ankh-Morpork City watch was! Or perhaps he was just a bit experienced in these type of things.

Vimes took a puff of tobacco which he knew would annoy Vetinari. But at least the Patrician would be showing some emotion which was always an improvement. He knew it would make no difference in this review, anyway. The Parician sat back, coughed a little at the tobacco, and sighed. 'Sometimes, Commander, I really wish you would look at the bigger picture,'

'What's the bigger picture got to do with me, I just like to do my job,' thought Vimes.

'Whilst we do have some good high profile solving of crimes, the general stastics do not look that great in your organisation. I remember when, 12 years ago, the Watch consisted of less than 10, none of whom did anything more than ring a bell shout, 'All's well,' and generally keep their head down under the command of you, who was then a drunkard bum, sorry about that description but it is accurate.

'Nowadays we have six divisions around,' Vetinari looked at his papers to find the exact figure, '2000 people of various species employed, a tenfold increase in the expenditure from the City finances, yet do you know something,' Vimes kept his expression as stony as his reputation of stoneface Vimes could be, Vetinari answered his own question.

'Crime, in particular violent crime including homicides has increased. This vexes me. Isn't that odd?'

Vimes sighed audibly at this. Yes, he did know the stats. But didn't the Watch's successes count for anything? Besides, he countered, saying, 'Is that all our fault, however? We just try to solve the crimes. Isn't something to do with the increase the fact that your early system of criminal guilds to solve the crime problem has weakened considerably in recent years?'

This was true. The rather ingenius method Vetinari had of solving crime in his early years of having a thieves guild, a kind of legal mafia deal with crime itself, because it was so good at it, had worked for a while, but for various reasons, Ankh-Morpork becoming a wilder, more cosmopolitan and unmanageable city, criminals themselves taking a dislike to the thieves guild, the idea that while a modest commission to pay for crimes like theft was acceptable, the idea of paying for yourself to be killed to cover for murder was a less popular one. The big crimes still, particularly in some areas of the City, flourished.

Also because it had such a profitable scam, the thieves guild itself had become targeted by other organisations and had split itself into various family groups which had occasional wars, the development of which, would, had such things not been banned in the Disc because they had proved to be ways for nasty creatures from the dungeon dimensions to break through, but that's another story, have made for various well-acted, critically acclaimed movies which had slow, nice colourful pictures with romantic music and actors playing wonderful roles where they proved to be decent family people on the one hand while ordering blatant murder on the other.

Vetinari smiled at Vimes, 'Now, now, we wouldn't be trying to deflect blame onto another organisation, would we? Dear oh, dear how politically adapt from one that constantly says that he hates politics. However, this is one of the things that I am constantly telling you, you have to take an eagle approach at times.' An Eagle approach basically meaning to look at the bigger picture.

Vimes countered, 'But if one does that, one might look at the stats that says that murder rates have declined this year!'

Vetinari shook his head, 'Sorry, Commander, I think you must have been looking at the wrong stats. Those say that the detection rates for murder have declined, murder itself appears to have increased as the leader writer in the Times is only too quick to point out to me. You know Commander, there are times that I consider that the old keeping your head down and saying, "Alls Well!" is a better approach to policing. But that would obviously be unfair of me. So as I like you and out of the goodness of my heart, I will continue to fund the police organisation adequately.'

This statement bought outright laughter from Vimes. Well, all in all Vetinari wasn't a bad ruler of Ankh-Morpork, he was much less oppressive than many had been and many of the alternatives, but the idea of Vetinari doing something political in the City out of the goodness of his heart was just not on. No, if he wanted to keep the police force at it's current level there would be another reason. And Vimes was pretty sure he knew what it was. The revival of the police in Ankh-Morpork was one of Vetinari's flagship policies and one that was reasonably popular and to reverse this, Vetinari would have to admit he had made a big mistake and the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork could not afford to do this.

Odd, though, those stats which showed crime always getting worse. Well, in fact, they didn't always and sometimes one could look at statistics in different ways, but it was all too easy to look at crime stats and scream, 'Increase in rates of crime!' Vimes sighed again.

Vetinari rebuked Vimes laughter. 'Now, now, try to take this seriously!' he said although Vimes wasn't sure if he didn't detect a little glint in Vetinari's eye that showed that he realized this wasn't really necessary, but there was no way out of the review. 'To continue,' and now it was Vetinari's turn to sigh one of those deliberate managerial ones. 'Can't you improve your communication lines? It's hard enough for me to talk to you, but with other city departments you do seem to be almost deliberately obtuse. Tact, my boy, tact! I say this every year but it doesn't get through to you? Take that time you deeply upset Mr Oddings from the drainage department for example,'

'That was three years ago!' complained Vimes as this was the third time that Vetinari had bought this incident up in his reviews. This is what they where like, thought he! Make one mistake and you never hear the last of it in them. 'Look, that's not my fault is it? The trouble is that other departments just don't realize the proper role of the Law and Order department in Ankh-Morpork.'

'Which is?' The Patricianasked sweetly.

'Secondary to it!' said Vimes in all seriousness. Well, he was the chief copper in Ankh-Morpork after all. To Vetinari's placid look he tried to justify himself as he took another few puffs of his Cigar. 'This is only fair. We are the ones that face regular danger after all. Mr Oddings might well have some kind of........ role in the City, but where was he and his men when Pseudopolis yard was overrun with Chrysopase the underground Troll's mob and swords and fists where been thrown around and I had to stand to him face to face and order him out!' said Vimes referring to an unpleasant incident in the previous year when he might have been killed.

'We all have our roles, Vimes!' answered Vetinari. 'Now then, what else? Oh, yes, time off. There's been too much of this. I'm afraid I had to give you a 1 for attendance, it's just not good enough!'

Vimes was a bit upset by this, 'Now, Sir that's not fair! I put in many hours to solve crimes that are not part of my rota. I constantly work by the job and not by the clock. The only time I was off sick was after I was trampled on by that horse and cart in Scone Avenue and nearly killed, you couldn't deny me a few days off after that!' Now that Vimes thought about it, it had been quite an eventful year for him!

'I was not referring to you personally, but to those in your command. One of whom seems to take regular days of on the grounds that she is changing shape to a werewolf. No reason why she can't continue to work can she? I must say that some of your Dwarfs do seem to have a high number of dovay days do we call them? But surely the most blatant case is that of Corporal Nobbs. He appears to have had 5 days off for Grandmother funerals. For the second year in a row Commander. How many Grandmother's does that man have?'

Vimes glared, he would give Nobby Nobbs a good talking to when he got back. Wait until his review! And Captain Carrot, Nobby's commanding officer as well. Carrot was a little soft on his men at times. He expected that somewhere there was a report on absenties which would have mentioned this, but Vimes hated reports. Bureaucracy. It gets everywhere! Vimes replied with a rather lame, 'Well, maths isn't his strong point!' Before the Patrician continued,

'And expenses. Some of these are a little, unbelievable shall we say? For example didn't Captain Carrot and Sergeant Angua have a trip to the Opera, as part of team building exercises, but this was on the City's expense. While some might argue that an evening at the opera is like running up and down some hills, this should have been declared, should it not?'

Vimes argued, 'Sorry, it must have slipped his mind, I'm sure Carrot would have mentioned it. But Sir, you have to remember that many of my officers and men work long hours to deal with crimes, much of which is unpaid. It's only right that the expenses account should be used up, shouldn't it?'

'All very well, Vimes but what would the press say if they got hold of it?'

'Well, the Press did get hold of it as you say,' answered Vimes, 'There was a headline in the Times saying "Officers of the Watch on treats paid for by the City is this right?" But nothing came of it, not many even read the article I think and that one was never mentioned again!' Vimes gave a smug little smile. It seemed that this review was coming to it's end which was a relief.

Indeed Vetinari had said, 'well that completes this Review, as I say, try to keep a bit more control on your men and do think of the bigger picture. And remember that there is no I in Law and Order!'

'Well, why should there be sir,?' replied Vimes, puzzled by this.

'Oh, sorry just a bit of management inspirational, supposingly speak. Yes, I agree, nothing to do with the current situation, don't know why I mentioned it!' The Patricianpaused as Vimes rather dramatically and forcefully signed his signature. But the Patricianhad a little sting in his tail for Vimes. 'You know, recently, I have found the idea of bee-keeping remarkably attractive. I think I should spend more time doing this!'

'Well, we all need a hobby Sir!' said Vimes before realizing that he didn't think that Vetinari had ever had a hobby.

'Not as a hobby, more as a permenant occupation, Vimes!'

'So why are you telling????' Vimes face suddenly froze in horror, an event that did not happen that often. He even was forced to take a bigger puff from his cigar to intake this piece of information. Vimes leaned forward, 'Your talking about retirement. Sir you can't mean this. The city needs you. Where would the City be without you at it's helm and what would be the alternatives?'

'Maybe, Vimes, but sometimes I have been feeling, especially recently that I have been carrying on for too long. 15 years it is now! The stress you know!' This was a little bit of a joke on Vetinari's part, he was one person that was famed for never feeling stressed! 'But I have thought the idea of retirement to the country and keeping bees very appealing!'

Vimes was now seriously worried. If the Patriciannow retired, life would become a lot more dangerous for everyone. Under the Partician, despite his little irritating faults like the review which suddenly Vimes had dismissed as very minor, the City had operated. Not necessarily fairly for everyone, but it had done so. Compared to some in the past, this Patricianwas a positive boom.

Take, Lord Snapcase, now, what an out of control lunatic that man had been as Partician. Vimes remembered that his nickname had been 'Barking!' And well deserved too. Then Vimes almost dribbled as he thought of the current alternatives. The most obvious one was Lord Rust. Beloved of what past as the Ankh-Morpork's military a great believer in traditional, ie human values, and one that would Vimes was sure, as his first act launch Ankh-Morpork into a suicidal war with it's neighbours.

Or there was Captain Carrot under Vimes command. One who would, if anything be the inheritor of the throne of Ankh. Well, he had a very engaging personality, certainly a sense of command, one couldn't be quite sure of his inheritance, but Vimes had often thought Carrot was hiding something from him. Carrot had been bought up by Dwarfs, had in possession an ancient, powerful sword and had an interesting tatoo shaped as a crown on his buttocks.

But, Vimes thought Carrot was, at least at the moment, exceptionally naeive and very good-natured, too much so for a ruler of a city like Ankh-Morpork and might well prove to be a worst ruler than Rust would be. So really, Vetinari should stay. But, perhaps Vetinari would quite like to be remembered as the Patricianthat retired happily. Now Vimes thought about it, there wasn't any Patrician recently that had actually done that. No, they had all either been assassinated, died in office of natural causes or died in some kind of battle.

But if the Patricianwas serious in retireing, things would become upside down and dangerous for all. There certainly would be some that would take advantage and Vimes and his wife, Sybil would be first in the line for any danger. He would have to inform her urgently and discuss taking steps. So he leaned over and touched Vetinari's arm.

'Havelock, surely,' he said as sweetly as Vimes could manage. 'You aren't going to do this? You of all people must know the chaos that would surely follow your retirement, especially at this time when there is no obvious successor. I can't think you would want to go without making.......... well, plans shall we say?'

Vetinari then smiled at him. 'All right, I'm not thinking of giving up right now. Indeed, I do like the reactions of some people when I mention this. But do remember that I am not going to live forever. And that I do sometimes feel that I should just say, freaks and give it all up. Don't be too reliant upon me. But for the moment I am staying. And now, I'm afraid we must have to go to this meeting. All rather trying, I'm afraid.'

But Vimes stepped up, finished his cigar and tapped out the reminders of the tobacco, his head gleaming in the warm Quirm sun. He replied to Vetinari, 'Well, to be honest sir, nothing is worse than a review I sometimes think, at least in terms of pure pointlessness.' He smiled and with a flourish handed the tobacco jar to Vetinari. Who actually refused it, seeing as he didn't smoke!

The End.


End file.
